GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
