PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
