here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
