I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
