I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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