The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
