bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
