How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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