I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
These tits shall not be calmed
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
