Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
