More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
