I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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