He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just had sex on a roof
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize