At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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