My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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