Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
