I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
