Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize