if i can run in heels then i can drive
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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