note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize