My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
