Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
