Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
