When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
