You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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