Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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