Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You made out with two different species that night
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
