If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
