my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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