A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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