He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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