does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
