My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
