your parents love me but you hate me
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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