I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize