She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
