I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
