Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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