During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize