I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
