i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
