Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
