Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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