Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
