sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
