I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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