i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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