In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
