The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
