I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
