Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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