I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
