then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
