Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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