you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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