Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He felt like a one man threesome
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
