Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
