once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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