I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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