someone threw a dead crab at me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
