He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
